Midfield General

Come on you suits

2005-06-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

So here's the test for The FA. Seeing as they've just about fucked up everything else they've laid their seedy palms on this season - MK Dons, Wrexham, the Unibond League play-offs for a starter.

Cole, Mourinho and whoever else was involved have been found guilty of 'tapping up'. Big surprise. It took 3 months of shenanigans to establish something that was even obvious to David Blunkett when he'd got soap in his eyes.

But here's the thing. Chelsea have to be punished. But how do you punish the richest club in the universe? Do you deduct them points and risk a lawsuit and a defence team that would make the Michael Jackson case look like a fight in the school playground, or do you fine them a couple of thousand pounds which Abramovich will find down the back of his settee.

There is no precedent, other than UEFA punishing clubs pathetic amounts for racial abuse and crowd trouble, and which is worse?

What do you fine Chelsea which doesn't effectively give a message to the rest of the football world that you can tap up any player you want as long as you are willing to pay a couple of piddly grand fine on top of the value of the player. They'd all go for that, they wont mind paying an extra £100k if it means they can have a chat with Rio over headbutts at the local boozer.

You may as well set fire to all contracts now and have the managers pick their teams like we used to at school with the fat ones going to League 2 and Chelsea having the best ones.

'twill be interesting to see how The Ministry of Funny Fuckers handles this one.

Is it worth it?

2005-05-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

Celtic fans are jumping around as though the Scottish FA Cup is the be all and end all.

Let's face it, it's either going to be them or Rangers who win it every year anyway, so they shouldn't be all that surprised that they managed to win the thing, especially as their opposition wasn't even Rangers this time.

So why get bothered about something you were expected to win anyway? Is the celebration just a release of the pressure that comes with being expected to win it once you've won it?

Because which ever way you look at it - it's probably the competitive equivalent of the Lincolnshire Senior Cup.

Wembley Bridge shortlist revealed

2005-05-13T03:39:00.000-07:00

From BBC:

The shortlist of five possible names for the bridge leading to the new Wembley Stadium has been announced by the London Development Agency.

Sir Alf Ramsey, Sir Bobby Charlton, Sir Geoff Hurst, The White Horse and Live Aid have been chosen after the LDA received more than 670,000 suggestions.

Three panellists picked their way through the suggestions - BBC Five Live's Jonathan Pearce, LDA executive director Tony Winterbottom and Wembley Stadium's chief executive Michael Cunnah.

Pearce admitted it had been a difficult task trying to come up with a final list of five.

"It wasn't easy deciding the shortlist, so what we did was discount any of the suggestions that didn't have 'Sir' at the beginning, added a couple more for novelty value then fucked off to the pub" Pearce said.

European Seeding Changes in full:

2005-03-30T12:38:00.000-08:00

Man U's breathtaking proposals wow fans

Following the cogent arguments put forward by Manchester United officials as to why the top clubs should be allowed to win all of their games, the club's Managing Director has now provided more details for an expectant footballing world.

As David Gill explained: "No-one wants to see the top European teams getting knocked out even if they're not actually good enough to win. We want a fairer system that will see any club with a small turnover stopped from messing things up for the rest of us. Well just us actually."

How it will work:

*Initial draw for Champions League will be made in Manchester. Balls to be drawn by Sir Alex Ferguson behind closed doors.

*United to be allocated a position in Group G against the champions of Malta and San Marino and the runners-up from the Bosnian league.

*Due to "fixture congestion", all United's games will be played at Old Trafford. Away teams will be awarded 10 tickets in row HH of the Scoreboard End, subject to assurances that they will not be sold to anyone "loud".

*After finishing group runners-up, United will be top seeded for the last sixteen due to "their large fan base".

*They will then be entitled to pick who they play.

*The size of their victory will be decided by the Pools Panel.

*Manchester United can only be eliminated by Real Madrid or Chelsea, as they have more money.

"This is what the fans want to see: the richest clubs appearing the most times," explained Gill, who went on to express bafflement at the few adverse comments to his innovative proposal.

Future improvements proposed by Old Trafford are understood to include the automatic awarding of the trophy to the richest teams on a rota basis and the eventual abolition of the need to play at all. "It's the only way forward," said Gill. "At present, and despite our enormous merchandising revenues, we do occasionally lose. That's unacceptable. We need to concentrate on running our Far East megastore franchise and managing our players' image rights without worrying whether or not the referee's going to give us the two penalties per game our balance sheet merits."

Big clubs in 'bad loser' shock

2005-03-22T17:44:00.000-08:00

Manchester United want the format of the Champions League changed to help more big clubs reach the last eight.

Of course they do.

For those of you landing from Mars, just take a guess as to whether Man Utd progressed to the last 8 of this seasons champions league.

Of course they didn't.

"AC Milan were discussing this before we played them, so it is not a knee-jerk reaction." said Utd's David Gill.

Of course you were.

He added: "It's not good for the big clubs, not good for TV and sponsors if there are no Spanish clubs in the quarter-finals."

Anyone see any mention of the word 'fan' in that sentence?

Of course you don't.

And some still wonder why Manchester United are so hated.

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, whose side coincidentally also exited the competition at the first knockout phase, is another calling for changes.

He said: "You can't afford to have Real Madrid and Manchester United - big clubs who invest so much money - going out in the last 16."

No that's right Arsene, getting knocked out of a competition over two legs by a team who you were drawn to play at random is totally unfair. Why don't you draw attention to other clubs demise, whilst not mentioning your own and hope to get the rules changed because of it?

Oh, you have done.

And some still wonder why Arsenal are so hated.

Shame? What's shame?

Savage attack.

2005-03-18T12:48:00.000-08:00

"You only hate Robbie Savage because he's Welsh" CJ's Welsh housemate says to me.

"Being Welsh is probably his only mitigating factor" I told him

Don't you just wish one week could go by without this toy dog chucking something out of his pram?

I do. If it isn't his convoluted way of getting a move from one club to another then he's retiring from international football because the manager has decided to try other players in his position.

So the manager doesn't like him, so he doesn't like the manager. We'd have all thought a lot more of him if he decided to roll his sleeves up, keep quiet and try and work his way back into the team. But no, he's off firing rounds off at anyone who'll listen.

Then he says that he's obviously the best player in his position for Wales and that he can't beleieve he can't get in above players playing in League 1 and 2. It's demeaning to the his team mates. He says he's had supportive phone calls from them. Yeah righto Robbie.

He's the type of person who gives footballers a bad name.

Moaninho

2005-02-25T14:35:00.000-08:00

I'm not much of a Premiership fan, but a breath of fresh air this year has been Jose Mourinho. He's really shown Fergie and Wenger up for what they are: 2 big kids. I think the way things are going Arsene Wenger will actually blow up soon - it is going to happen, set your videos.

But Mourinho is showing the first signs of weakness - his behaviour this week has been that of a sulking sore loser, we'd have all thought much more of him he he'd have come out and put that familiar now Portuguese prose into action.

I hope this isn't the start of him becoming like the other 2.

Brian Clough

2004-09-20T22:23:00.000-07:00

Today saw the passing of one of the greatest football managers to ever be. It's fairly easy to take a big side, spend lots of money and be successful. It's the mark of a great manager to take a ragbag of provincial non-descript footballers and mould them into one of the greatest club sides this country has ever seen. That take talent. Nottingham Forest are a worldwide name because of what Brian Clough and Peter Taylor did for that team.

Fergie has a 'Sir', but Cloughie puts him in the shade. Let's face it Forest of the late 70's early 80's were a great team.

Saying that sticks in the throat a bit, as a Mansfield fan Forest are one of the teams we are born to hate. That's more to do with the fans than anything. But it says so much about the man that the only words about Cloughie are of sorrow and rememberance.

Cloughie would never allow any of the shenanigans that have blighted the game over the last few years, he wouldn't have any time for todays prima-donnas. People respected Cloughie and he gave them loyalty back.

He was also a great footballer whose career was cut short by injury, scoring almost a goal a game. Another great record.

I was listening to his last ever interview tonight with Pat Murray on 5live, recorded only weeks ago and he sounded on great form, lyricising in that Cloughie way about Arsenal and Wenger, the normally terrible reception I get from 5live even had the respect to become crystal clear.

Take Care Cloughie.

Here's some Cloughie quotes to remember:

"]"If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he'd have put grass up there." On the importance of passing to feet.

"Manchester United in Brazil? I hope they all get bloody diarrhea." On Man Utd opting-out of the FA Cup to play in the World Club Championship.

"I can't even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball - he might grab mine." On the influx of foreign players.

"I bet their dressing room will smell of garlic rather than liniment over the next few months." On the number of French players at Arsenal.

"Who the hell wants fourteen pairs of shoes when you go on holiday? I haven't had fourteen pairs in my life." On the contents of Posh Spice's missing luggage.

"I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one." Looking back at his success.

"On occasions I have been big headed. I think most people are when they get in the limelight. I call myself Big Head just to remind myself not to be." Old Big 'Ead explains his nickname.

"At last England have appointed a manager who speaks English better than the players." On the appointment of Sven Goran Eriksson as England manager.

"If he'd been English or Swedish, he'd have walked the England job." On Martin O'Neill.

"Anybody who can do anything in Leicester but make a jumper has got to be a genius." A tribute to Martin O'Neill.

"The ugliest player I ever signed was Kenny Burns." A Clough compliment for a talented player.

"Stand up straight, get your shoulders back and get your hair cut." Advice for John McGovern at Hartlepool.

"Take your hands out of your pockets." More advice, this time for a young Trevor Francis as he receives an award from the Master Manager.

"The Derby players have seen more of his balls than the one they're meant to be playing with." On the streaker who appeared during Derby's game against Manchester United.

"I only ever hit Roy the once. He got up so I couldn't have hit him very hard." On dealing with Roy Keane.

"Walk on water? I know most people out there will be saying that instead of walking on it, I should have taken more of it with my drinks. They are absolutely right." Reflecting on his drink problem.

"I'm dealing with my drinking problem and I have a reputation for getting things done." A comment which speaks for itself.

"Don't send me flowers when I'm dead. If you like me, send them while I'm alive." After the operation which saved his life.

"Players lose you games, not tactics. There's so much crap talked about tactics by people who barely know how to win at dominoes." Reflecting on England's exit from Euro 2000.

"We talk about it for twenty minutes and then we decide I was right." On dealing with a player who disagrees.

"I want no epitaphs of profound history and all that type of thing. I contributed - I would hope they would say that, and I would hope somebody liked me," On how he would like to be remembered.

"It was a crooked match and he was a crooked referee. That was a tournament we could and should have won." On the 1984 UEFA Cup semi-final Forest lost to Anderlecht.

"I'm sure the England selectors thought if they took me on and gave me the job, I'd want to run the show. They were shrewd, because that's exactly what I would have done." On not getting the England manager's job.

"You don't want roast beef and Yorkshire every night and twice on Sunday." On too much football on television.

"If a chairman sacks the manager he initially appointed, he should go as well." On too many managers getting the boot.

"I thought it was my next door neighbour, because I think she felt that if I got something like that, I'd have to move." Guessing who nominated him for a knighthood.

"For all his horses, knighthoods and championships, he hasn't got two of what I've got. And I don't mean balls!" Referring to Sir Alex Ferguson's failure to win two successive European Cups.

"I like my women to be feminine, not sliding into tackles and covered in mud." On women's football.

''That Seaman is a handsome young man but he spends too much time looking in his mirror, rather than at the ball. You can't keep goal with hair like that." On England goalkeeper David Seaman.

"I've missed him. He used to make me laugh. He was the best diffuser of a situation I have ever known. I hope he's alright." On the late Peter Taylor.

"He's learned more about football management than he ever imagined. Some people think you can take football boots off and put a suit on. You can't do that." On David Platt's first season as Forest manager.

"He should guide Posh in the direction of a singing coach because she's nowhere near as good at her job as her husband." Advice for David Beckham.

"Barbara's supervising the move. She's having more extensions built than Heathrow Airport." On moving house in Derbyshire

Annoying Tit

2004-09-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

If we didn't think Craig Bellamy was annoying enough as it is, he goes and grows long hair, Robbie Savage-esque to convince the waverers.

Who do they think they are?

2004-09-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

I really dont know who the England football team think they are. Tonight after the game against Poland they decided that they arent speaking to the media as they were unhappy with the way they were treated after Saturdays debacle against Austria by various members of it.

Now, some of this criticism was a bit over the top after the game, but if you read rubbish then you are going to see what it has to say. This new outbreak of sulkiness comes almost a year after threatening to go out on strike.

They represent this country, they represent the people of it, they are paid very well for the priviledge of doing something most men would have their Mothers sold for. Poor them if some people say some nasty words about them, I bet they dont mind if nice things are said about them so take the rough with the smooth. They, as national representatives are there to be shot at, they chose this career knowing the side effects of it.

If they think post Saturday was bad, imagine the carnage tomorrow morning when the press hounds get their teeth into them about this.

Maybe its a blessing they aren't talking, it would only be full of 'yeahs', 'y'knows', 'one game at a time' and other assorted cliches.

Or maybe the real reason for not talking is that David James was using the team brain cell and as he wasnt playing no-one in the team knew how to talk.

Stating the obvious

2004-09-08T17:44:00.000-07:00

Before the game tonight Michael Owen was interviewed. One of his comments was:

"David James doesnt become a bad goalkeeper overnight, David Beckham doesnt become a bad player overnight and the team doesnt become a bad team overnight"

No Micheal, it takes a while to perfect.

Football farce

2004-08-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

Just what is happening down at Southampton?

Poor Paul Sturrock, well you say 'poor' but some might say that he's better off out of it. The poor man has been in the job about 6 months, 13 games. And gets the push 2 games into the season, 1 of those was a win.

Mr Sturrock was an up and coming manager, his record spoke for itself, he took Plymouth Argyle from the depths of the old 3rd Division to within touching distance of promotion from the old 2nd. In the midst of massive development work within Home Park.

He was then approached by Southampton to become their manager and 6 months later we are at this farce.

There were rumours of player unrest, unhappiness at training methods. Well I'm sorry boys but you know, he's the manager, you're being paid a lot of money. What he says generally goes.

There were rumours that players were also unhappy with the demeanour of Sturrock, that he didnt dress properly, or trendy enough. The very thought is contemptible. Not worthy of comment.

Then there's Rupert Lowe, hangman extraordinaire. A man who only saw his first game of football 6 months before he bought Southampton, now he's just recruited his 9th manager in 9 years. There were rumblings that Mr Lowe wanted to get too involved in team selection.

Its the Southampton supporters I feel sorry for. Firstly for having that shower of so-called footballers representing their good football team and secondly for having Mr Lowe in charge sullying the very name of Southampton by pure implication.

Its a football farce.

Ashes to Ashes

2004-08-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

I was waiting for it. I knew it was on the horizon.

The first murmurings of Englands potential to beat the Aussies in the Ashes next year have started. Every time we win a few tests then the question is posed: 'can England win the Ashes?'.

England are a very good team, of that there is no doubt, and they are doing very well. The level of opposition can be questioned but you can only beat whats put in front of you. But Australia are a different matter entirely, they attack you on so many different levels: psychologically, physically, etc. You have to have your wits about you and be totally on top of your game to just escape with a thrashing. It's no time for specualting.

The Aussies were probably waiting for the Poms rhetoric about beating them and are no doubt sat at home cracking open a few tinnies, having a good old laugh about it and waiting for the opportunity to make us eat our words. Cobber.

JImmy Idiot

2004-08-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

Who's Jimmy Hill trying to kid?

Does he think that we think that his Sunday supplement show is atually filmed in his own kitchen?

On a weekly basis he and his hareem moan and groan about the state of football at the moment, about the levels of money changing hands and the behaviour of the top footballers. They conveniently forgetting that Jimmy himself is mainly responsible for the extragant wages and lifestyles that the current crop of players currently enjoy.

It was Jimmy who was the main advocate for the abolotion of the footballers minimum wages way back when he was actually respected in the game.